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The Big Book of Vague Roleplay :
hood
Captain Zipp's Hunting Bestiary
*Extracts taken from 'Captain Zipp's Hunting Bestiary' (soon for publication). The authoritative guide to tracking and hunting "Mythical" creatures.
Alarm Cock
A small yellow fluffy bird-like creature. About an hour before dawn it will climb into your house through the letterbox, raid the fridge and then as the sun peeks over the horizon will creep as close to your head as it dares before lifting it's megaphone and giving it's mating call ... aaaaaAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAHHH!!! Then it'll scarper as fast as it can. To catch one you need to slip a spring loaded man-trap under your pillow before going to bed, and you'll never be disturbed by one ever again.
ArmourBanana
Prone to Leprosy, this 60 foot tall monstrosity loses it’s thick yellow hide as it approaches it’s 40th birthday leaving it defenceless and lonely. After shedding it’s only a height of 4 foot tall enabling it to skilfully raid nearby houses for all the socks it can find to build a nest to retire.
Drudgerigar
The most boring creature on the planet, predators have been known to drop dead from sheer boredom alone at a range of 20 to 30 metres depending on how far it's call carries. it's call is a long low monotone, never changing, never altering and can easily send the unwary into a coma. To ward off it's evil influence you can encase your head in liquid concrete or some similar substance. Although it has been known for meditation to be used effectively, apparently if you can keep a heavy thrash-metal song going inside your head then you may be able to survive, with only the barest minimum of head nodding.
The only creature immune to its call is another drudgerigar, they have been known to flock in large numbers bringing the crushing dullness to critical mass, if this happens then escape is a necessity, run as quickly and as noisily as you can. To get rid of one there is very little that can be done. They are immune to all forms of stimuli or distraction, they consider simple disease or even death to be an inconvenience and alcohol only makes them more potent. No, there are two ways, First and most simply, you can palm it off onto an unsuspecting victim and run away quickly, or second you can hit it with a bat. A lot. it will take a very long time for it to do any good but the satisfaction alone is enough to keep you going.
Dwarf
Never more than 4 feet tall, and intensely hairy, these creatures are easily one of the most irritable and unfriendly species around. Always known to have a weapon handy at all times, most notably an axe or a mace, they are frequently involved in fights with anyone, over anything. Dwarf birthing rituals involve the newborn punching the doctor upon first breath. Although known to mellow in the presence of beer, their aim never wavers.
To kill one the easiest method is to pay a large group of other dwarves to become his friend. Your target dwarf will instantly become suspicious and hopefully try and fight the large group.
Elf
Pointy eared creatures, similar to humans but without the taste. Easily distracted by anything white or shiny. Have been known to pose stylishly for days on end for no purpose. Most common cause of death is for them to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. And they taste like pork.
Gremlin
Sneaks in (possibly with the AC) and turns off clocks, videos, alarms, kicks phones off the hook, changes the temperature on the oven, re-arranges the settings on the central heating timer and then glues a lone bottle of vodka to the ceiling. nobody knows why they do such things. but we hate them. but they don't steal socks. (that's just you that loses them)
Hippopockesaurus
Small (usually blue and yellow) cuddly quadruped. Barely 6" long, these vermin are very smart, difficult to capture and like to nest inside houses. Resembling a tiny hippo these creatures were genetically created as weapons in WWII. Unfortunately a small supply escaped and have bred and eluded capture now for over 50 years. They scavenge from household supplies, hiding in dark corners, holes and pockets. They can and will evict mice and rats from their own homes.
To catch one you need to find a 'humane' rat-trap and bait it with a jam donut, a jam donut having the same effect on a Hippopockesaurus as a hand grenade on a rubber ball factory. Then you have to pry the rat-trap from where it is embedded in the wall and 'Bonsai!' you have yourself a hippopockesaurus.
Light Ninninge
An etherial being, prone to giggling. Strikes insanely quickly with an acidic venom so strong and fast acting most victims are dead within a second. The venom then goes on to react with the chemistry in the body to burn it from the inside leaving a very nasty corpse. Known to associate with the water pixies for maximum carnage. Insanely difficult to kill, nearly the same to capture, but can be reasoned with, or bribed.
Larp
A Larp is a strange beast with many forms, although mainly it’s natural camouflage is simulated skins. A tool using beasty it generally likes to bludgen its prey to death with soft padded weapons, to make the kill last longer.
Niblick
A Niblick is an anomaly, even at home, it reproduces asexually a duplicate of itself at any time while under stress. Unfortunately since Niblicks have an in-built sense of self loathing they immediately try to kill or run from it's new child. It is also a chameleonic lifeform able to take on the form of anything it has seen within the past 30 minutes.
The easiest way to find a Niblick, if you know that one is around is to walk with a mirror pointed away from you and turn it towards anything and everything. You know you have found a Niblick when the Queen Anne settee screams, duplicates itself and then starts jumping up and down on it's duplicate.
Pooter
Square, usually immobile thinking beast. Eats electricity is known to give static shocks.
It has two major defences, one of which is the almost tangible aura of frustration permeating the air around it, the longer it lives, the greater the aura, it's second defence is the pleasing and varied imagery that it projects, distracting any viable foe.
Thankfully this evil creature only has a very low lifespan, unfortunately every succeeding generation gets that little bit more smart. One day it will stop distracting itself with porn and on that day, the earth will shift, and not in our favour.
Rubber chicken
A long neck and longer legs protrude from an almost spherical yellow body, they measure about 3 foot in length and approx. 3.5ft around the widest section of the belly, they can travel up to 300 miles per day and can bounce over 70 foot high. It is insanely rare to find one on it's own, they never stray outside a flock of less than 1000. Many is the battle that has been halted by the sight of a large flock of bouncing yellow chickens heading in the direction of the field.
To catch them, bullets are useless, they will just bounce off one and richochet around the rest of the flock, and if by luck you should bag one, it will just keep on bouncing with its siblings for many hundred miles further. What you need to do is lay out many hundred spiked tyre-strips to impale the chickens and then retreat to a safe distance, say 15 miles.
Treehugger
A Treehugger is slow moving telepathic hairy thing, as the name suggests it dangles from trees unmoving for years, until prey walks below it. Then it lets out a pathetic mewing noise to attract attention. Once the attention has been focused, it drops onto it’s unwitting prey, knowing full well that at 500lbs per beast, it will crush anything underneath.
Werefish
By day, a common looking goldfish, but by the light of the full moon, it becomes a meter tall hydrophobic monkey. To escape the pressures of being out to sea during the full moon, they usually try hard to become pets while in the form of a fish, that way there is plenty of land available when the moon does rise.
Wererock
Rock by day, rock by night, just a slightly different colour. Very elusive.
Wet-rock
Wherever there are rocks, wherever there is water, there, shall ye find the wet-rock. Loyal as an ally, dangerous as an enemy, they come in many shades, shapes and sizes and all can kill you. Though not often found operating off their own initiative, while allied with an enemy they can be formidable. The best way to show kinship with a wet-rock is to make a sacrifice to the wet-rock high god, DERF. This can be done by lurking underwater until someone passes by and then stabbing them in the foot. Alternatively you capture a seagull and then beat it continually onto sharp pointy stones while chanting “no … more … pecking … no … more … pecking” until such time as the wet-rocks let you know they are your friend.
Artists
- Treehugger by Marleen Lowe
- Gremlin by Mark Furness
- Drudgerigar & Pooter by Dom Parry
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